Today is my Birthday. 30 rides around the sun.
See, the thing about depression is that it doesn’t care if it’s your 30th birthday, it’s still going to make you fight your way out of its depths. So here I am on the morning of my 30th birthday and wondering how quickly I can crawl back into bed. However, I am gathering my strength and attempting to find the happy in today.
Today feels monumental for many reasons. I mean, I made it to 30 and I only got a few scars and bruises along the way.
No one ever really explains why turning 30 is such a big deal, but 30 feels like a big deal. Existential-crisis and depression aside, I’m feeling quite accomplished for having reached this milestone. It definitely hasn’t been easy and at times, it felt down-right impossible but I made it! It took many mistakes to get to 30; a handful of heartbreaks, a few too many lost friendships, an abundance of screaming, a series of funerals, a sprinkle of dance parties and too many laughs to count.
Society has told us that 30 means settling down; that it means children, houses and HOA dues but I have none of those things and I’d say I feel fairly accomplished. Don’t get me wrong, I am constantly doubting myself and if I’m honest I don’t know if I’ll ever stop doing that but all-in-all I am a happy human.
If I could tell this brown-eyed, chubby-cheeked baby anything about her next 30 years, it would be:
Everything you know about the world is wrong. People who are meant to protect you, will absolutely destroy you and you’ll be much older by the time that you realize just how destroyed you are. Your self-esteem won’t appear until much later in life but the search for it will give you the thickest of skins. Men in your life (related or otherwise) will cause you the most pain, but don’t shut yourself out to the world. Not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay, but don’t let that stop you from letting the people who fight for you in. You won’t love your culture right away but when you finally find the beauty in it, diving in to your history will be your greatest joy. Your mother will eventually be your best friend, so remember to keep track of the bad things you’ve done because you’ll be apologizing for them eventually. Your family is crazy-there is no advice there but good luck. Last but not least, hang on just a little bit longer, your niece Sophia Julianna will completely change your life.
This is 30. It definitely hasn’t been easy, but it’s absolutely a ride worth taking. Here’s to the next 30!