You know how sometimes you go through something and you think you’ve dealt with it? You feel like you’ve cried through the anger, like you’ve said what you had to say and now you’re completely over it. I felt that recently; I went through something ridiculously hurtful and I “dealt” with it. I screamed, I cried, I stomped around asking “why?” and I let it all go. Then, something happened; I listened to a song and everything came crashing back.
So, here it is: about a month and a half ago I was dating this guy and things seemed to be going pretty amazing. We spent a lot of time together and things were moving forward; he gave me a drawer in his apartment (big step), we planned for future travel adventures, he gave me a key to his place (huge step). Admittedly things were moving quickly but at the time it all felt right. Then one day, one seemingly uneventful day, I drove up to his apartment without calling first. This was not uncommon, I had a key and it was common that I may drop by unannounced. The difference on this day was that he thought I’d be in San Diego the entire weekend but I happened to come back early. I’ll spare you the dirty details but I ended up walking in on my boyfriend with another woman.
I felt hurt, I felt betrayed, I felt like a damn fool. I screamed, I cried, I threw things- those things hit him. It was an emotional week and then one day, I stopped the crying, I stopped replying to his pathetic text messages and I plastered a smile on my face. I decided that I was better than this, that no man was going to make me fall apart so I chose to stay positive and I moved forward.
Here’s the thing, music has a funny way of sneaking into your life at just the right moment. This is where the song of the week comes in; I’m sure we all know who Alanis Morissette is, right? I’ve always known of her, I knew she was an important part of music history and I kept meaning to listen to her music but she somehow kept missing my ears. Then about two weeks ago I felt like she was everywhere, she appeared on The Tonight Show, then she appeared on The Late Late Show with James Corden, and her videos kept appearing on the “suggested videos” section of my YouTube. It turns out she had re-released her album Jagged Little Pill for it’s 20th anniversary, which is why she was “everywhere”.
I took this as a sign from The Universe that I had to listen to this album and guess what? I did listen to it and it opened all of the patched up wounds I had in me. Turns out I hadn’t actually dealt with my emotions towards the cheating incident, all I had done was suppress, supress, supress. This Music Monday I want to discuss You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette. Well I’d like to discuss the entire, brilliant album, but for today lets focus on this song.
“You Oughta Know” is the perfect song to listen to after a bad break-up. I connected to this song on a spiritual level, from the lyrics to Alanis’ conviction in the words that she sings. She demands that you pay attention to her pain, it’s not that she wants you to do something about her pain, it’s that she needs you to just realize that she’s hurting.
After a break-up everyone will tell you to be strong, to not give the other person the power, to “get over it” but sometimes you deserve to be angry. You are allowed to stand up and let it be known that you are hurting.
’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you’re still alive
I’ve been cheated on a couple of times and every single time that it happens, the first thing that I feel is shame. I feel embarrassed that this happened to me. How am I supposed to tell people that this is why my relationship ended? Well, I say NO MORE to those thoughts and excuse my language but: FUCK THAT! Fuck that and fuck them, they’re the ones that did this NOT YOU.
And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
So THANK YOU Alanis Morissette, for a song that lets you be angry, for a song that still shows the strength that can come from a bad relationship, for a song that has the brilliant line:
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
NOW I can say that I’ve moved past what happened. I have felt the anger and I have dealt with it. I mean, it’s all still bullshit. The act of cheating seems so absolutely ridiculous to me, you want to be with someone else? GREAT, go and be with them but give me a heads up before you rip my heart out of my damn chest. Okay, okay I have forgiven and I do truly wish him the best, I also hope he realizes the damage that he did and that he NEVER does that to anyone else. I do have a smile on my face this time around but this time it’s genuine and not plastered on for show.
If you ever need to just, feel some stuff I recommend you go and listen to Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette. I have listened to the album so many times that I feel like it has embedded itself in my soul. I know the subject of this Music Monday was a bit of a downer, but I hope you saw the strength in what I wrote.
Thank you for reading xoxo