I firmly believe that throughout our life, we live being different versions of ourselves. Sometimes they’re genuine versions and sometimes you live pretending to be someone you are not. My early twenties were carried out by a version of Julie that I struggle to recognize. This Julie was careless, she was driven by pain, she refused to listen to reason, she avoided reality and she hurt others assuming it would make her hurt less. During this time, I vividly remember talking to myself and asking myself, “What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Who have you become?”
I was constantly doing things that I knew I would regret (we’re friends right? Here’s the truth) I slept with married men (plural), I got into relationships just to feel wanted, I would discard of people as if they were a month old magazine. Looking back at my actions I feel a bit ashamed of who I was, I knew back then that I wasn’t being myself. I so desperately wanted to change but I also had a lot of unresolved issues that didn’t allow me to stop being self-destructive.
Early-Twenties Julie wasn’t a bad person, she was just hurting and she didn’t have the tools to help herself. She made mistakes that hurt others but don’t worry, Karma got her back real good. She fell in love with people who were dead-set on hurting her and destroyed people who only wanted to love her. She destroyed marriages and pretended not to care. She jumped into an engagement because she was terrified of being alone. She jumped into a second engagement because she so desperately wanted to believe in “Happily Ever After”. She also cried herself to sleep more often than she didn’t. She told herself she was worthy while trying her hardest to believe her own words. She insisted she was a good person, even when she was in the middle of making a mistake. Early-Twenties Julie wasn’t a bad person.
Last year I went to a Sara Bareilles concert and in the middle of her set she performed this new song that she had written for a new musical, Waitress. It was just her and her piano and her words hit me like a freight train. My mind traveled back to the old Julie, to the Julie that was hurting herself and others. I waited and waited and FINALLY the song is out on iTunes. So this Music Monday I introduce you to: She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles.
Sara Bareilles would be the one to write a song to hit the deepest part of my soul. She would be the one to bring up emotions that I had buried in the darkest part of myself. She Used To Be Mine, is a song that every woman out there needs to hear.
And it’s not what I asked for.
Sometimes life just slips in through back door
Carves out the person
And makes you believe it’s so true.
And now I’ve got you.
And you’re not what I asked for.
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew.
Full disclosure? I cried the very first time I heard this song and I’ve cried a few times while listening to the song since then. Maybe it’s because Early-Twenties Julie is still here, she’s still a part of who I am and sometimes I miss her. I miss how she jumped head first into anything that came her way. I miss how she opened her heart to everyone, even when she had been burnt so many times.
Who be reckless just enough
Who get hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised
And gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day
‘Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone but it used to be mine.
There is no denying that I live a guarded life now. I have built a barricade around my heart and you’re going to need a lot of patience to get through it. Now, I think before I act and my actions are driven by anxiety. My body is in a constant state of alarm and I fear that it’ll refuse to feel comfortable with anyone. However, I still do love openly but I realize it’s not enough to love, you also have to allow people to love you back. So yes, sometimes I miss Early-Twenties Julie.
She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies.
She is hard on herself.
She is broken but won’t ask for help.
She is messy but she’s kind.
She is lonely most of the time.
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie.
She is gone but she used to be mine.
What are you waiting for? GO AND LISTEN TO SHE USED TO BE MINE by SARA BAREILLES!
Tell me in the comments; is there an old version of yourself that you miss?
Remember to subscribe to the blog by entering your email address on the right hand side (or if you’re on your mobile device, scrolling all the way to the bottom). Once I reach 1,000 subscribers I will be doing a giveaway- that’s not a bribe, it’s just the truth.