Music Monday: Liability

If I were to write a movie about myself, “Liability” by Lorde would be the song that plays when my character is introduced for the first time.

The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
‘Til all of the tricks don’t work anymore
And then they are bored of me

I am the type to stay away from the hype; the bigger the hype the more I actively avoid an artist. I’d like to go on record though and state that this practice has always proven to be a mistake; this has happened with Sam Smith, Nicki Minaj, HAIM and now Lorde. The avoidance just prolongs the obsession and Lorde deserves all of the obsession. Though the entire album, Melodrama, is worth discussing I feel the urgent need to discuss “Liability”.

If you’ve followed the juliexplores.com journey, you may be aware that I’ve been dealing with a broken friendship for over a year now. Not to bring that all up again BUT long story short; I had a best friend of 8 years and last year he slowly started distancing himself until he ghosted me. GHOSTED ME. It’s been a complicated journey to try to get through this. I have felt every emotion and through it all I have doubted myself the most. “What did I do? What did I say? How did I act? Am I too much?” I have wasted countless nights asking myself questions and looking for answers that will probably never come.

This song though, “Liability” made me feel relief. I felt connected to something bigger than myself. I felt validated in my feelings. I swam in the lyrics and felt like myself again. Lorde beautifully created an emotional love letter to herself and with sharing the song she has helped heal the broken pieces I’ve tried to keep together for a year and a half.

This entire friendship-break-up made me feel misunderstood and that made me feel frustrated with those around me. Again, I say that this has been a long and strenuous journey; I have good days, I have bad days, I have days when I wake up with him implanted in every thought and I have days where I am glad he did what he did. So many hours have been spent on him. So much energy has been wasted on him. All of the hours wasted and the energy strained has taken away from the important thing: ME.

I am important.

I am what matters.

I have focused on the negative for too long and now I find myself lost in my own reality. “Liability” has helped me gather the strength needed to focus on what is important; writing movies, writing TV shows and conquering the damn world. Instead of wasting 2am on him, I need to remind myself that my power may have been too much for him but it doesn’t mean that I need to dim my light. I am ready to make an impact and anyone who can’t handle it can slowly see themselves out of my life. (I’m thinking if I say this enough to myself, I’ll start to actually believe it.)

Do yourself a favor and listen to “Liability”, whether you can relate or not, I promise that it’s a song worth listening to.

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