I have been lucky in the friendship department, even the short-lived and the treacherous ones have been magical. Though of course, it’s the long-term ones, the ones that you feel will never end, those are the ones I thank The Universe for as often as I can.
High School was a complicated adventure and though I’ve done everything in my power to forget how absolutely horrible teenage Julie was, I am grateful for the people that huddled close to me during my darkest times.
I remember the moment I met him; if I close my eyes I can picture the gym perfectly. I remember how high up we were seated in the bleachers. I remember how close to me he was sitting and I can almost hear the laughter of all the people around him. You see, my High School experience got off to a rough start; I was new to the city and had my first day of class 5 entire days after everyone else. The clicks had formed, the friendships were already strong and I was the loneliest human. That is until I sat next to Julian in gym class, he changed everything and soon I would find out that he had a way of making everything a little bit more special.
Our friendship was bulletproof, we had four incredible years in High School to become obsessed with each other. Sure our romantic relationships suffered but it didn’t matter because I had him and he had me and that was all our teenage hearts needed.
Maybe our friendship wasn’t the fairytale that I remember it to be. Maybe we were selfish, maybe we took advantage of each other at different times, maybe I forgot to tell him how absolutely magical he was. Scratch that, I know I forgot to tell him how absolutely magical he was and there’s nothing I can do about that now.
July 15, 2018.
It doesn’t feel real. Yet, here I am, sitting on my bed having just gotten home from Julian’s memorial service. He’s gone. He’s gone and suddenly every selfish thing, mean remark and careless gesture has embodied my entire being. I have to sift through the fights to remember the love. You see, the last time Julian and I spoke, we fought. I mean, we always fought but this was different and we knew it. He said things, I said things and suddenly 2 years had passed without a word being spoken between us.
I was the luckiest girl in the world and I forgot to be grateful. I forgot to be thankful for the gem of a human being that The Universe had thrust upon me. I am existing in a pool full of guilt and the thing is, I can’t swim plus I’ve forgotten my flotation devices. I’m not good at the processing, so I figured that maybe if I wrote my feelings down then an answer would come to me. The sensible side of my brain reminds me that what Julian and I had was absolutely magical and we both knew it. Though the fight we had was very real I know that he loved me just as much as I loved him. The sensible part of my brain knows this and yet, the guilt has made a home inside of my heart and I fear I may never be able to shake it.
If Julian had not been in my gym class on that day, I am certain that I would not have made it out of High School alive. I was 80% feelings and 20% chaotic actions, which makes for a terrible combination on a teenager. He was my hero, my protector, my best friend in the entire world and what we had will never again come into my life; he was a special kind of magical. I was certain that our paths would cross again, I was certain that we would find our way back to each other but unfortunately that is not the case.
I will live with the regret of our last interaction for the rest of my life but I will attempt to continue to remind myself of the special connection we had and I am certain that he is up in Heaven cracking up about the way I’m kicking myself over this.