The thing about New Year’s resolutions, is the fact that you come up with them while on a New Year high. How are we meant to set intentions for the next year of our lives when we’re most likely drunk or high to the point of pure bliss while we write them down?
I’ve officially failed at one of my resolutions and honestly, feel free to point and laugh because it’s pretty pathetic.
One of my goals at the beginning of the year was to finish the rough draft of ONE project by June 1st. Six months. I had six beautiful and long months to complete this task. I had plenty of hours and lazy Sundays to get it done. Yet, I am sitting here on the 3rd day of June with only 37 pages done and I have officially failed.
It’s not that I didn’t want to finish; because I did. I truly, truly did. The thing is, every time I got a page further I found myself deleting all of my work. Sure, I could easily blame my depression since it hit really hard the last couple of months but I can’t hide the truth. The truth is: I rewrote the first ten pages about 18 different times and OKAY UNIVERSE! Lesson learned: stop second-guessing yourself.
It’s been my biggest flaw for as long as I can remember. It’s really a problem, second-guessing has often gotten in the way and it’s usually because I allow it. So now, here I am with half of the year gone right before my eyes and no finished draft in front of me. Embarrassing.
If I allow myself to be honest: HOW IS IT THAT I HAVE YET TO FINISH ONE PROJECT? An unfinished script here, a book idea there, an outline to a tv show here, a synopsis of a movie there and yet ZERO completed projects.
I think that the reality of a finished project feels overwhelming. If I finish something and I send it out, the possibility of rejection becomes actually real. It’s a terrifying feeling to think that my work will be out there being laughed at, rejected or absolutely ignored. I’ve given that fear the power to paralyze me and to keep me from writing, from truly writing.
So there you have it: I’m officially a failure.
However, I would like to think that this lesson will actually stay with me. I am hoping that it’s the kick on my ass that I truly need. I really need to get it together because this whole thing where I say I’m a writer but refuse to actually write, is truly exhausting. I mean, sure, I have this website where I spew all of my feelings out into The Universe but it’s not the kind of writing that I need to be doing. It’s great and I feel connected to the world by sharing my thoughts on music and movies with you all, but I need more.
I need my heart to slowly weave itself throughout 250+ pages of work.
I need this feeling of absolute failure to go away; so enough feeling sorry for myself, I’ll be back after I’ve written at least twenty more pages.