The day before LP’s album was released I received an email that had me pull over and take a moment to breathe. You see, I never thought this email would come and suddenly there it was, sitting in my inbox waiting to be read.
I know that at this point I sound like a broken record, “yes we know Julie your best friend of 8 years broke your heart”. The thing is, why do we so easily dismiss the end of a friendship? Why do we not allow the same grieving process for a failed friendship as we do for failed romantic endeavors? My grieving has been long, sometimes annoying and often confusing.
I think I struggled to move on because I didn’t have closure. I never got answers for why the relationship ended and I was left with myself and my thoughts, which is never a good idea. I replayed conversations, listened to old voicemails, re-read messages and attempted to piece together an explanation that seemed feasible. At one point I even think I convinced myself that I had moved on but I definitely hadn’t.
So there I was refreshing my emails at a red light (don’t do this) when an email from him came in; I immediately felt dizzy. I pulled over unsure of what to think and as I settled with the first sentence of his email I felt a moment of relief. I’ll save you the details of the days that followed; a lot of tears, a lot of questions and still no answers.
I got an apology but received no answers to my questions that followed and somehow, that’s okay. I found my closure.
You see the day after I got this email, I was still dealing with my feelings about it and as I listened to the LP album I found myself replaying one particular song.
“Recovery” felt like the shoulder to cry on that I so desperately needed.
I know you wanna say you’re sorry
But I don’t wanna hear that story
I don’t wanna be your fool anymore
Can’t you see I’m in recovery?
I now see why it took me so long to get over this heartbreak; the fact that I never got an explanation as to why things ended left room for my insecurities to take center stage. Without answers I easily spun a tale of my shortcomings and I came up with a long list of them. When I read his “apology” I finally realized that our relationship didn’t end because of my shortcomings, it ended because of his. I allowed this man free range of my self-esteem long after he decided to walk out of my life and he never deserved the pedestal I had placed him on.
Then, to not only break my heart but to come back after I had attempted to tape myself back together was completely selfish of him. The audacity of men will continue to shock me.
The truth is, some of my best life experiences have happened since that man and I stopped being friends. I have excelled (for the most part) in life and I completely survived without him. I am no longer angry and if anything, can find the beauty in the good years but I am officially (really this time) letting go.
I have let go.
I am done with the trust issues, with the analyzing everyone’s behavior because this one person hurt me, with the relating heartbreaking songs to my situation, with the wondering where I went wrong; I am done. If I allow myself a moment of depressing honesty, I never really thought that I would get over this. I thought his memory would hang over me until the end of time and I was afraid that I would continue to struggle every time someone brought him up. Yet somehow, I made it out of the storm and I am so much better and stronger for having lived through it. Closure feels a lot like a warm hug; a warm hug that I am running into with open arms and I am never looking back from.
I’m holding on, I know I’m almost there
Storm reach out and tell me that you care
I’m finally sober, I see the light
The worst is over, nobody died