By the end of this letter one thing will be wholeheartedly true; this will be the last time I allow you to take any extra space in my heart or in my mind.
The end of 2016 is days away and as I prepare myself for a fresh start, I suddenly feel the need to let go of all of the extra baggage that I’ve acquired throughout the year. You, you are the heaviest baggage of them all and although I’ve postponed it long enough, I think it’s finally time to let you go. “I think it’s finally time to let you go” will forever be known as the number 1 sentence I never thought I’d say to you. I hate that we’re here, in this crazy alternate Universe where we are no longer friends and where the 8 years of friendship somehow disappeared right in front of us. I hate that I’ve lost the person that knew me better than anyone else, I hate that I kept trying even when you blatantly showed me how little you cared and I hate that it’s taken me half a year to realize that I need to walk away from this situation.
Personally, 2016 was a great year; I wrote, I lived, I traveled, I laughed, I met new people, I treasured old ones and I unapologetically existed in this world. Yet, every single positive memory is tainted by the fact that you were not there. After every single positive moment, my pathetic self would reach for my phone to call you. My biggest downfall was the fact that your number is embedded in my brain, so even after deleting you from my contacts, the calling was still very much a possibility. I’m working on not allowing the absence of you affect my happiness, it’s going to take some time.
The anger is prominent. You see, it’s not that the friendship ended, it’s how you decided to end the friendship. I’ve gone through all of the stages of grief but I somehow keep coming back to anger and I absolutely hate that. The anger ends today; I am embracing acceptance and I am moving on. Look, I clearly have no idea what contributed to the demise of our relationship. It is a very real possibility that it had something to do with me but since you refuse to discuss the situation I will forever blame you for this. Unfortunately our happy memories are tainted by the fact that, in my eyes, you turned out to be an extremely selfish and hurtful person.
This is it though; no more reaching out, no more sleepless nights, no more second guessing my actions, no more space in my heart will be given to you. You get to stay in 2016 and even though I never got any of the answers that I felt like I needed, I am finding closure on my own terms and I am moving on. Finally. I am letting go of the pain, I am wiping the tears, I will stop cursing your name, you will no longer affect me. I am done fighting for someone who refuses to fight for me. I am done.
After evaluating and evaluating the entire situation, at the end of everything I guess I should ultimately say: Thank you. Our entire friendship consisted of me second-guessing myself, making mistakes, doubting my self-worth and constantly falling into a depression. You ending our friendship and hurting me the way you have has only re-affirmed my belief in myself. I am strong. I survived the one thing I feared the most; loosing you. I lost you, you are no longer my best friend and somehow The Universe still made this one of the best years of my life.
2016 will hold the last tears from me to you, 2017 will contain a vague memory of who you used to be and my life will be better for it. I only hope the best for you; I hope for stability, happiness and lessons learned. If I’m honest, I also hope for a little bit of regret but whether it comes or not I will still continue to live my best life. Aside from the last year of our friendship, I treasure the previous seven and I will never forget all you got me through and the way you and your wife welcomed me into your family when I needed it the most. It’s not like I can completely let you go, I have a tattoo on my wrist that is a constant reminder of you and even though I’ve cursed at the tattoo before, I now look at it with fondness. You weren’t a terrible mistake; you were a beautiful accident with a sad ending and I am accepting that.
I am officially letting you go and I hope you have a spectacular and powerful life!