Suicide, Clinical Depression
My discovery of Jason Mraz happened in the middle of the night; it was with tears running down my face that I clumsily clicked on a random Youtube video. I only clicked on it with hopes that the sound from the video would drown out my crying. I needed the noise because I was afraid that someone in my family would hear me and check on me. The discovery of that video almost didn’t happen and I find myself wasting too many sleepless night thinking of the sad reality that would now exist were it not for Jason Mraz and his music. You see, that particular night was the night that I was contemplating suicide. I know, pink-haired Julie, the one with the joy loudly beating in her heart and the happiness that radiates out of her pores, that Julie was a very different person back in 2012. 2012 Julie was dealing with undiagnosed Clinical Depression and she was gripping a bottle of pills in her hand in hopes that she’d gather the strength needed to finish the task at hand.
I still get chills every time I think about it, I still get transported to that night and I still remember how helpless I felt. I remember the many ways I rationalized the fact that suicide was the necessary solution for the massive burden that I felt that I was. I distinctively remember suppressing my hard sobs, so much so that I started getting a headache. I remember taking a deep breath and I remember “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz slowly registering in my mind. His words found their way into my brain, the same brain that was congested with negative thoughts. I can still feel the weight that lifted the moment I put down the pills so that I could replay the song.
I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
I want to be very clear: my problems and my depression did not disappear that night. I still went another entire year without being diagnosed and it took me a while to get to a place where I could breathe without the sadness trying to prevent me from doing so. It has been an uphill battle but even when life feels exhausting I still have Jason (she says realizing how creepy that sounds). I always have Jason Mraz and his music and you’ll have a hard time convincing me that he doesn’t make music specifically catered to me.
I just got home from seeing Jason Mraz live for what is now the 7th time and I feel alive. The kind of alive that makes you want to call everyone you love. The kind of alive that makes you grateful for the struggles. The kind of alive that makes you dance like nobody is watching, apologies to my roommate.
His last album was released four entire years ago and he is finally back with new music. So far he’s released three new songs and I may be biased but: every song is better than the last. “Have It All”, “Unlonely” and “Might As Well Dance” are in constant rotation in my playlists and I remain grateful that Jason Mraz and his music exist. So today (and really, every day) I choose to celebrate Jason Mraz. I celebrate his discography full of funny, weird, quirky and perfect love songs. I celebrate the human that encourages genuine interaction and the human that celebrates the failures we so often try to forget. So I urge you to turn on “Might As Well Dance” and to dance your way into celebrating MR. A-Z
One last note that I feel I should add: The suicidal thoughts have been non-existent for a few years now. Though the depression can be a real asshole sometimes, I have found (thanks to a wonderful therapist) the right coping mechanisms for my depression. xx
This is the video I discovered on that life-changing night in 2012: